framebuffer's bitslices

the two suitcase rule

Your entire life has to fit in two suitcases. Everything else is either not important or unnecessary.

Let's see how this holds out.

TL;DR.

Been absolutely rekt moving, spending more time on someone else's couch or bed that at my (new) bed. Normal programming should return in September. Now, back to Neon Genesis Evangelion.

The Monastery

"--to live alone".

I always said to myself that I keep myself busy, because the day I am not, I won't be able to withstand my own thoughts. Well, I guess I am alone with the wolf in the room.

There's a huge emotional, mental (and well, economical) change when, after living years on your own, you come back to where you started. You're older. You developed habits that suddenly you have to change. Old gripes, old niceties; the good and the bad, they all convey onto a single feeling: living in a monastery.

Or, maybe, going into rehab.

Capitalism rehab.

Everything counts in large amounts

I had an addiction to plastic money. It hid the now wide open black hole I had in my heart of following a path I hated. And I couldn't stop earlier cause I was enabled by my circle. We used to joke that the one with the more black credit cards win. Of course, they had cash. I didn't. Living on your own is expensive, but not so much if you have someone to lend you money.

I am what you'd call the early-Zoomer gen. And we either have to live with our parents and be comfortable but lack any semblance of personality; or live on our own and be miserable. I wanted, so bad, to live on my own, and also live comfortably... without having the means to do so.

I admit defeat. And even if time and time again I've found out ways to get out debt... this time I just want everything to crash and burn. Means losing all privileges of plastic money, "private" banking... but I never had money to begin with. So, big lol.

Now I am back to before college, when I saved up and worked to do things; not buy and then figure out how to pay for them later. And I damn wish it stays so for the rest of my life.

The institution

"(monasteries are) religious communities"

I ran away from home as a way to say: I am sick of your shit, I am sick of being treated as a children whilst being 23 (at the time, and having lived abroad on my own before), and fuck it I'm out. It was 2020-2021. What a wonderful time to become independent.

I wanted to come out of the closet, escape from the religiousness of my parents; but just did it out of whim. It was stupid. But I managed to survive long enough to not only finish my studies, but find a damn good job. My mum said it, even now, that she's in awe that I even took that decision, and stuck to it. She'd never do it and she respects me big time for that. Just like his dad ran out of the countryside to become a coal miner at 18.

At my grandpa's funeral, 2 days after my bday last year, found out a video where he said I was his favourite grandson cause we shared the same story. Both ran away with nothing, but survived long enough to tell the tale. And the independence is, apparently, cripplingly genetic. To a fault. To his last days he was, being 85% blind and 88+ years old, on top of a tree cutting branches off.

The fault here is that we stuck to our own religions, blind to reason and facts. The fact was that not only my parents were blind to diversity, but also that I was blind to reality. I did not speak to them in more than a year, they experimented much harder reality checks that they did not have their children for a given, that they ain't right just because they're (our) parents.

And I was blind to the reality that independence comes at a cost that, at some point, becomes unbearable.

It was either the marble prison with a fantastic view (where I was living, and I kid you not, in conditions 95% close to house arrest); or going into rehab with my family, and have to relive and fix some wounds left open.

And this is where I learned about the two suitcase rule.

Both as a way to be able to move out quickly and easily, and to really understand what Mies tried to say with "less is more". Not any of that minimalist bullshit everyone tries to put on Mies's mouth like a pink dildo from Poundland. But about learning to let go, and know what's important. It'd be quite a privilege to have a third suitcase of great memories to bring alongside me, and I am gonna make that happen.

Introspection

"you have to write a book"

Never knew what that phrase meant. Write down domain knowledge? That was burnt when HR wiped the corporate laptop I held my code in, not committed to the corporate repo on purpose. Write down the stupid twists of fate I've had? Yeah nah, who would even be interested on them?

Probably me.

Memory is fragile. And I kinda need to remember this episode of my life, as to not repeat the same mistakes later on. And you know what... I've seen or had experiences that on their own make for some cool or funny pieces. I wanna be able to tell them later on. At least for nostalgia or comic relief's sake.

And there's another reason.

The future.

Are we living in a land, where sex and horror are the new gods?

One huge lesson of this episode in my life, is that the least you try (aka: the more passion vs effort you put), the better is the outcome. See the art I've done now? Ever since the very first one I did on this style I've felt something I never ever had experienced before: personal and professional growth in meaningful and stable ways.

Ask me in 2022-2023 about this and I would not understand. I was trying soooo hard to be a popufur that I blew so many bridges. And I heard this phrase so many times: __"don't try to become famous, try to become a better artist and then you'll be famous".

I don't want fame. I wanna be able to live off creating things. This is waaaaaaay cooler. I don't have socials with thousands of followers... but apparently they know what I do regardless, and now that's real fame. fuck numbers. this is why I love cohost. It's healthier to not obsess for numbers and reach and shit, and just care about real interaction.

And now with this out of the way:

The transition.

vocational dysphoria.

Maybe I can't afford college right away. But education doesn't stop me from coding. In fact, I've been pretty active on my GitHub hyperfocusing on the absolute stupidest problems. I am one step from basically writing a game in Rust for all I care, because I have some very spicy takes on some Godot quirks.

Does that mean I am going into gamedev? I mean, it's the closest I can pivot towards from my previous life. Already know 1.5 languages used, know 1.5 (or 1.75?) engines used. And have the training to do the whole creative side except 3D modelling which I hate to death if its anything but simple shapes. if it has a rig I can't do it

Ok, I do have a game idea. Deserves its own post though. All I can say is: I don't care if any idea is already done, or the game/concept is not 100% original: I am confident enough on my skill that I feel that execution can make anything completely unique. I can do an Earthbound clone but it ain't gonna be Undertale. I ain't perfect, I ain't a pro, I ain't gonna aim for the stars.

This is my therapy, and my way to kind of close this whole deal.

It's a game done for myself, but not expected to be played only by myself. It's a manifesto, not a diary. Don't care if it blows up or not. At least it proves my skill level and is quite the creative workout.

Thanks!

If you read to the end, thank you very much for sticking with this absolute wreck of a fur. Hope I get many chances to create things and make somebody happy.