sudo reboot -f
Dysphoria is a feeling I wish absolutely no one never has to feel, no matter the kind. I was 2 years old and I was breaking computers around. They were my passion, my vocation, my calling.
And 8 years ago I took the worst mistake of my life: ignoring it out of fear. I built a whole life out of the blood of people around me, myself, and most importantly, my loved ones. I even got to succeed being someone I wasn't, believing I could turn back into my true path. wrong.
These last couple weeks I was so disassociated, so delirious, so absolutely maniac about keeping on suffering to keep on living the lie that, if I suffered a bit more, just a bit more, I would be able to be a programmer.
No. I need to start back again, and do it the proper way.
This is why I took the hardest decision of my life: move back to my parent's living room and start again.
This is my rehab.
I was eating once a day, being miserable all day, absolutely broke and knowing that I did not have enough to come out of it alive. And worst of all, I exposed my bf to the same ordeal. He shouldn't have and it was manipulative torture.
This is why we grabbed a bunch of things and moved back to our respective homes. I still have to come back for my final set of things and finish several cycles before I move for real. But I am finally doing what I should've done:
I am going back to [community] college to get a degree as a systems analyst. If I want, I can spend 2 more years and get the whole computer engineering degree.
It's hard to start again just a year after 8 years of college. But you know what, I don't care. I feel free. Happier. And excited to be able to go back and build everything back again not on blood, but a solid foundation of passion and love, for me and my partner. Even if it means that I'll be basically bankrupt for a couple years. Working to pay for college will be so fulfilling for me, to finally feel like I am progressing towards my goal.
This picture is the view I had access to every day. I cherished it. And I didn't deserve it. After I finish this cycle, I will.